Finally.

Not sure if its the exam "stress" or just the chronicity or the recent spade of events.
I finally did it. Pulled the plug. Not just once but twice.
It came out messily, it came out in the blurb, but I did it. Not once, but twice.

An addiction I have learnt as a very painful lession.
An addiction not in the DSM-IV
An addiction that I will go cold turkey probably for a while.

For all of us, perhaps it will hurt
But at least for a while, better than what it has been for a long long time.
Too long. Too much. Too overwhelming. Too i don't know... tiring

For now, let me walk down my imaginary aile with DSM-IV
And just let me be free.
Free from your scruity, your judgement and your thoughts.

Perhaps regret will come my way when that DSM-IV finally bores me
And I'll be an old woman living in shoe with her cats
But who knows, I might not live till tommorrow
So just let me free today.

Decisions decisions
The decision of 2008

After being an escapee of the harsh realities of the wipe out of XX collegeS type pple into XX's land's Medical School, its time to decide to join them or not.

Scarred since high school, the constant degredation, the constant academic comparison, the constant "basically, hmm u dont have the grades so buzz off, you don't have any chance" attitude.

I am an escappee of the Singapore system for 7 years and running now.
I feel small compared to these people, I feel inadequate, I feel I'm not good enough.
Imagine working with people that I've once been judged as inadequate when compared to them
Imagine being judged against these people who's been deemed superior

S-C-A-R-Y
I feel small and intimidated
I feel like pee-ing like a little girl into my pants

Dont get me wrong, I love home
I want to go home
I really do.
Home is an eventual thing.
When. Is the question.

To prolong my escapee-ism to 8 years or leave it at 7.

I want to go home
To prove my previous @$@#$ teachers wrong
To prove myself wrong
That an education worth 300K has made me as good as
Or if not better than those formerly deemed better than me.

I have the thoughts to, but lack the guts to.
I think I should be on par, in fact I think I could potentially be better.
I dont know.

First things first, I'm scared, scared, scared
To re-live those moments in high school
Where you suffocate gently, you feel small
When no one believes you can/could ever make it
When basically, u're hopeless cos that Maths grade in the report card was never not red.
Or when u couldn't (more like DID NOT qualify) to do that higher standard of Mother tongue.

Home in 09 or 10?
Decisions.

Yesterday, under the instigation of me and my fanitic interest in psychtiatry my group went on an excursion next door to the SERCURE psychiatry ward.

Its SERCURE-ly man-ned. with double or triple locked pathways (ie 3 doors to get thru to get out). Its Different from the Acute Psychiatric Ward that we've been hanging out in.

Students are not allowed in the SERCURE psychiatric ward cos the patients are too mentally disturbed, patients have a history of aggression, patients are too unwell to be looked after in the community, or have been thru the forensic system before (i.e jail).

Basically one step up from SERCURE psychiatric ward is the forensic system (i.e. jail house for psychiatric patients). And there's an average of 5 discharges a year in that ward with 20 off people. 

I.e. patients have to quiet unwell cos they dont get well enough to be managed for elsewhere.

Today, as i exited the lift in the main hosp area about 400metres away from the SERCURE psychiatric ward I bumped into my friend. She asked why i had an odd expression on my face. I swear from my excellent photographic memory that the person behind her was a patient from the SERCURE psychiatric ward that i saw yesterday. Yes in the hospital. Entering the male toilet.

I told her, she freaked, i freaked. We freaked

She stayed put. I ran to the nearest phone and rang the SERCURE psychiatric ward.

"Hi, I'm one of the medical students (heng never say name) that went to the SERCURE psychiatric ward yesterday. Do you have a patient missing at the moment? I think i saw one of them in the main hospital building just now"

*pant pant* cos run too fast

"Erm... some patients are allowed leave"

Ok so we hanged up. And I apologised.

SERCURE psychiatric ward with LEAVE?

Very oxymoron to me.

I think Britney Spears has bipolar I disorder.
Hence the title.

Bookmark Feb 08.
Totally Shrinked in the 4 weeks plus 1 day of Feb 08.
Shrinked into wanting to be a shrink and conduct shrinking business for the rest of my life.

I've fallen
Fallen in Love
Tragically, not with a male/female.

But anyway, still in Love.
In love with Shrinky business  Psychiatry.

 Its really scary, akin to falling in love.
It happens suddenly, most unexpectedly.
It creeps up under your skin before you realize you’re addicted.
Addicted into seeing its patients.
Addicted into going to school.
Addicted into listening at ward rounds and case presentations.

Psychiatry, one of the under-rated specalities in Medicine.
But why shinky business, Miss Kee?
“There’s no cure, no hope for any of these patients.
Aren’t you scared of mad mentally unwell people?
You mean you went to MEDICAL school to be a Shrink!!?!?!”

 False.False.False.

Do we cure Heart failure, do we cure TB, do we cure HIV, do we cure Diabetes?
Medicine today, is probably more preventative, more palliative, more supportive.
Cure, should be a term that only surgeons can and should use.
So excuse me, please don’t say Psychiatry is hopeless.
Medicine ain’t that great either.

Imagine having a voice in your head that’s not what you asked for.
That voice is there not because you asked for it, but because you genes gave it to you.
It’s a voice that is degrading, commanding and scaring you shit loads.
It’s a voice that tells you the world is up against you.
And it’s a voice that these patients don’t want.
That’s Schizophrenia.
No, these patients are not scary, they are scared of me and of you.

 And yes, Psychiatry is a specialty within medicine.
It’s a privileged specialty that gives you the only opportunity to work with people holistically.
You don’t just cut off their breast lump and send them running away.
You don’t just start them on Blood pressure lowering medications and hope they take their medications.
It’s about knowing a person, their troubles during their growing years, their social stressors that make them the way they are.
Be it depression, schizophrenia, bipolar or even substance abuse – all has its roots, to the genetics in utero, the chaotic life in childhood, to the sexual abuse in its teens.
Sometimes just knowing what these patients sustain in early life makes it justifiable that they are the way they are today.
Seriously, its not their fault their like that.

 Be nice, to the Schizophrenic patient on the tram. For he’s scared of you more than you are.
So be nice, to the psych patient in the ward cos he has a story to tell.
And of course, be nice to the friendly psychiatrist treating them. ;)

 Yes, Miss Kee is currently in the state of mind that says she should be a Psychiatrist.
Easy to get into the training program and out cos no one wants to be a shrink, seng-nang lifestyle cos all emergency cases are pumped with valium in the most compassionate manner to control them till assessment can be made, and best of all the thought of opening a not for profit flower and furry friends shop to cheer the depressed up next to her own 9-3pm private practice so that dance class can happen at 4pm is seriously tempting.

How did your 0-eight start?

Mine was heart breaking, mind wobbling, stomach-churning.

Its like hmm... taking a rollar coaster up and down, down and up. repeatedly.

Somewhat being forced on, maybe. Or hmm more like finding yourself on a faulty rollar-coaster that won't stop. And you're on a ride that seems like eternity... Its terrrible now, but when u eventually do get down, its a lot worst. Cos that's when gravity hits you and everything in that suffering tummy of yours begin to disobey Newton's Law. Projectile vomitus here it comes.

*pukkkeeeeeee*

... it had better not be gren.

Quickie lil' postie.
Just wanted to share.
2 things.

Some peadiatrician at world renown Kiddy Hosp
"Peadiatrics is like being a Vet, the kid is like an animal; that can't speak."
Awfully well said.

Another thing, a wonderful verse written by Emily Perl Kingsley in 1987.
Read it, enjoy it...

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland


Perhaps at the end of the year, when i get on my plane to India, the friendly stewardess will tell me i'm in... DC.

Mindless babber...

Yup, I'm still alive (Tragically)

These past few months.. have been painful and slow. Still immensed in a confusional state about the professional side of my life, the emotional side of my life, the life part of my life.
Basically, not quite good.
And yes, I have not been blogging.

Still getting pass post Semester 9 mental trauma from major exams and re-evaluating if i'm fitted for medicine. :( ... okay shall not get there, as bad school mad school still gotta go med school.

Winter break was one of the sweetest nicest holidays in a long time. Not a care in the world, nothing to do with med holiday breaks. I had lots of fun... most of it, minus the fact i wanted to kick some one (no 2ones) in the balls. I went night blading, ate like a glutton, finally clubbed at St James 1.5 times (the other 0.5 i came out not knowing where i was or if heaven was earth and earth was heaven..) met up with lots of people one of whom i do hold truely close to my heart, and spent a few weeks at a place that after so long i still do call home.

Semester 10 started as sedating as it could be. Teaching for Women's  (a.k.a vaginas) was the most "scary"experience at the peripheral hospital i was allocated to.

You know that when:
1. someone uses danzol to treat menorrhagia
2. the teritary hosptials' doctors regard that being sent to the peripheral hospital for training as digging a grave.
3. there is no such thing as protocols :S

Minus that, i got to deliver (the head, the body, the placenta after that... haha) 5 babies, assisted of course. And seen Ceasarean sections. And then deciding, I want my uterus out ASAP cos neither is an option for birthing period. God bless my mama.

Children's started as a glimmer of hope, since i was fortunate to be rotated back to the teritary centres. And the experience has been....... period.
The whole place is a mess (from a student's perspective).
And kids are..... well mostly pesty. esp when they are sick.
The doctors are "BUSY" (a.k.a. they dont really like parastic medical students), and not very nice when they refuse to sign our freaking log book.

Every thing in peadiatrics is sooooo non-organic.
Kinda like.. hmm

Scenario 1
My kid is coughing... for a long time. How doc?
hmmm..... well kids have no immunity so, u see when they go to child care, its like a virus party they spread their germs around and built their immunity you seeeeeeeee....
So doc, can i prevent the illness?
Only if u dont send him to school.... and as i can see both parents work... sooooooo.. its not an option.
But im still worried doc....

You see, as a kid. Somehow everything is important.
Everyone knows how many times you shit, pee, cough, twitch, move a day. And that's when normal becomes abnormal. period. And that's when the doctor recieves the shitty job. REASSURANCE.... blah blah blah.... zzzzz

Scenario 2
Hey doc, my kid is short. Is it normal?
At the back of my mind: dad's 1.5metres mom is 1.3metres. Your kid ain't no basketballer unless dad is not dad or the nursery screwed up and you brought home the wrong kid.

Scenario 3
i think you guys get the picture.. okay enough.

Exams on vaginas and parasites in 3.5 weeks. I think im gonna bomb these papers. I know I havent been able to study as hard. No motivation. Somehow, maybe im not cut out for medicine (as per last semester) and no point studying also, exam questions are
VERY random. Oh well, just.. "whatever" mentailty now. Med school only wat.

India in less than 2 months. Everyone pray for me! I guess i'm really going there ignorantly.. After deciding to go and then getting accepted in the school, then reading Lonely planet was definately the wrong order to do things.
Lonely planet is step 1.
Somehow i feel like i might die there at one of their mad rushes at those hectic train stations.
Or get gastro every other day, with a bombay belly. muahhah
Anyway, im still going. And going without tour group, on our own with a few other pretty "inexperienced" people. So god bless all of us, seriously :)

And yes, My closet ambitions:
1. To dance - gg dance classes at the moment. (YES. Please dont laugh, im still learning i have 4 limbs at the moment)
2. To be a Xmas tree designer - blah. is there a course for that?
3. To own a skeptical columnist - yes i've started @ purplishrain.multiply.com
4. To join MSF in the next 4.5 years - as long as i remain single and carefree and choose to do Infectious diseases as a specality.. i might have a chance of being accepted by them. And yes, pay off my study loan. :( But first, get the freaking med degree.
5. Travel. My latest dream location. Tuscany in Italy. Imagine the smell of roasted coffee and pasta as you ride on a vespa along those cobbledstone walls........
We can only dream, for now.
6. muhahaha. to invent a neo-vagina. To those that know the details... shhsh. My new back up plan if med dosent work out alright!! :)

Thanks for listening guys....
Exams, otherwise if kena retained.... I'm seriously screwed.. :(

Results are out.

There goes my dream job, my life insurance...

My just in case JB attacks Spore plan, Spore sinks plan.. and just in case i get divorced plan.

Okay.

New goal: 80K / mth man, then no need to work anymore.

This kinda results, who wanna employ me? :(

It's over.
It's over...
It's really over...


Yes, exams are over.
Excited. Not the least bit.
Scared. Very.

After 5 months of an average of 5.5 hrs per night, currently more than 20 (yes i finally had time to count them) pimples across my 5cm by 2cm forehead, peeing and thinking about IHD (ischaemic heart disease i.e.heart attack), sh*tting and thinking about CVA (cerebrovascular disease i.e. stroke), eating fries and thinking about Diabetes, watching pple smoke while waiting for the tram and thinking about COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease i.e. smoker's lung), lying in bed and thinking about Hypertension i.e. high blood pressure, drinking coffee and thinking about hypercholestrolemia (high cholestrol)..... and of course, other time sitting down in the library and studying the rest of the more important stufff....

The exams ended.
And with a BANG.
I seriously think I need to buy lottery.
I HAVE NEVER been so lucky in my life (not that i was ever lucky to start with).

My long case patient had .....

1. NO heart disease
2. NO diabetes
3. NO stroke
4. NO high blood
5. NO cholestrol

(Long case exam - one hr with patient to take history and examine him/her then fomulate a case and present IMMEDIATELY after to not just 1, but 2 examiners followed by a bombartment of questions about the patient)

BUT.

YES.
WTF

ADDISONS CRISIS (and she DID NOT tell me, i think the examiners told her not to)
@#$@%@$#%!@#$@!

and worst still HIT (heparin induced thrombocytopeia)

I HAVE REALLY BAD KARMA.
I must have raped men in my past life (which explains a lot) and seriously maybe had a profession called "professional traumatiser to patients".

SIGH.
I studied my ass for for goodness (not yet years), but i swear months... only to go into the examiner's room... and them asking me...

All about ADDISONS

Go wikipedia it. Seriously. Addisons.

If I live to tell this tale, I'll be telling my great-grand kids all about this eventful fateful day on 28th June 2007, where your great grand ma almost pee-ed her pants when the examiners told her her patient had ADDISONS. And then started grilling her about it.

Now, I'll have to sit by the computer... and wait for the email.. Wait to see i i passed :(
Otherwise, I can't go home!

And supplementary exams!
And preeettttyyy pprrreeetttyyyy please by then... someone with Heart disease?

Jaci's 20th Birthday... 2004 May

                                             Jaci's 2Xth Birthday 2007

Change, Its an amazing thing huh? :) One of the first very first 2 people I met when i first came to melby. Honestly, the best thing here, yes ranked one after Medicine.

And I know Im growing ollllddddd soon, 2Xth birthday (by the order of the great Ms Kee, birthdays from now will be 2Xth and ONLY one candle only) coming up.
To those reading this, tho I may visit the snuggles at the hospital gift shop daily and perhaps spend more time there than on the wards, NO stuffed animals pleassseee. I've already upgraded to a 40L backpack for traveling, just to accommodate all the current snuggies :(

Anyway, some updates:
5 weeks to ABSOLUTE finals :(

20th June : Written
22nd June: Short Cases
27th/28th June: Long Cases (hurdle!!!) :(
29th June PM: ALL CLEAR if passed Long case
O/w 5th July: Long case 2nd round (NOOOOOOoooooo)

Maybe 30th 0050 am or 1015am: OUTTA MELBY :)
And 6hrs 55 minutes later: Arrival at the land where girls don't eat.

I'm coming home!!!! For a good load of Vitamin D, lard (yes, even in the land of flat tummies and firm asses) and to kiss all 8 wheels of my blades!

GENERAL
date	5 days post appendicitis - bored
name	Janine
birthday	0606
height	1.65 and growing... yeah
eye colour	black
hair colour	blaccckkkk
shoe size	8
clothing size	8-10? 9 la :)
right or left handed	R
weaknesses	gan jioooonnngg
fears	erm saying bye bye and for now failing sem 9
dislikes	liars, irritants, parasites
TODAY
first person in mind	erm erm someone from lala land
thoughts first waking up	TMR is monday!
ARE YOU...
shy	yes
a bitch	maybe
talkative	sometimes
forgiving	hoping to be
happy	NO
in love	yeah, with my bed
a health freak	almost
THIS OR THAT
roxy/fubu	? ah... im 20-something already leh neither
chocolate/vanilla	CHOCOLATE
cappaccino/latte	cappaccinooooooo
skating/motocross	skating!
lipstick/lipgloss	lipgloss
coke/pepsi	neither
maccas/burger king	maccccaassssss
MYER/david jones	??
skunkwear/waves	??
curly hair/straight	straight!
deoderant/perfume	deoderant
winter/summer	summer
blonde/brunette	brunette anytime :)
personality/looks	erm personality?
rich/famous	neither
books/magazines	mags!
roses/frangipannies	roses
barbie/disney princesses	princesses (but not disney)
DO YOU...
smoke	nawp
drink	hardly
swear	yes
shower daily	duh
have a boyfriend/girlfriend	nawp
have an obsession	yes, with my books
want to get married	should be, hopefully la
care about your looks	of course
get along with your parents	erm erm yeah
like rollercoasters	yup
HAVE YOU...
ever been in love	think so?
ever been drunk	almost ;)
kicked someone in the balls	would love to
FAVOURITES
number	6
colour	purple
holiday	anywhere anytime
clothing style	comffffyyyy
shampoo	always changing
perfume	mood-dependent
NUMBER OF...
siblings	2
piercings	2
tattoos	nil
things in the past you regret	many many many
IN A BOY/GIRL
eye colour	as long real ones can la :)
hair colour	al-la-natural :)
style	simple
build	tonnnneeeddd please
hobbies	blading!
personality	fun-loving, down to earth, honest and must have goals :)
IN THE PAST MONTH have you...
drank alcohol	nawp
gone on a date	nawp
gone shopping	nawp! OMG i havent!
eaten sushi	yesh
been on stage	huh? erm case presentation?
stolen anything	nopppeeee
RANDOM
your most missed memory	hmm... March-June 06
goals you would like to achieve this year	PASS SEM 9, and enough to get a freakin' job in Aussie
next holiday destination	hopefully bintan/batam?
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Trouble started on 27th March 0130 hrs

7 Characterisitcs of my pain:
Site: Epigastric (Above umbilicus)
Severity: 9/10
Setting: Sudden, while mugging daam boring peripheral vascular disease
Quality: Sharp
Time: 2 minutes, awoken from sleep with pain.
Aggrevating factors: none identified
Relieving factors: none identified
Assocaited symptoms: nausea, vomiting X 1, no change in bowel movements.

My differentials then:
1. Gastritis: But should be burning pain and not sharp pain. And i tried some antacids (mylanta) and it didn't go away...
2. Appendicitis: But pain should central then classically moves to the Right iliac fossa (erm right lower quadrant)
3.Perforated Gastric Ulcer: I'll be pale, sweating and maybe dead. So quite unlikely.

Then... i proded around my tummy.
Palpate (press press abit) left, palpate right...
Holy shit! Right Lower Quadrant pain!

And then all I could remember was my surgical textbook saying: 50% of appendicits will have one episode of vomiting or diarrhoea before presentation.
Okay okay, better go ED.

Anyway... I'll fast forward my experience before you guys get bored. So...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

ED at 0200 hrs
Did some blood tests which all came back close to normal. Normal heart rate, respiratory rate, blood pressure, temperature (all not suggesitve of classical appendicitis)
.
.
.
.
.
.

Felt a lot better after morphine shot (tot i could go home)
Planning to turn up for evening classes the next day....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Surgeons saw me at 0700hrs
Proded around, asked me jump about
"Okay, Janine. I think you need an emergency op, we're gonna remove ur appendix this afternoon asap on the EMERGENCY LIST"
I was like @!#!$!$#@! HUH!?!?!?

"erm but bloods were normal last night. And I'm not in alot of pain now."
"Well........." and i got lost in the medical jargon myself.

Okay. so i called mom, called dad; they freaked.
Called my brother he freaked
Called my friends they freaked
Everyone freaked la.
Even I freaked.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I was wheeled into theatre ALONE at 1240hrs 27th March

Finally it was like being on the other side
- Lying naked under the surgical gown
- Being In the Bed
- Watching all the surgeons/nurses surround you. Instead of glaring at the patient.
- Staring at those huge operation theatre lights above you.

It was strange, really. I've been to theatre a gazillion times and key hole removal of the appendix is like no biggie. Well at least compared to liver transplants.
I was scared shit! But anyway. Before I could jump out of bed and run... the friendly anesthesist came. "I'm going to give u a really nice GA.... breath this in....." (in that scary erm like wanna kill u voice)
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The next thing i knew it was 1430hrs (still 27th March)
In hell of a lot of pain
In hell of a lot of nausea

With a nurse next to me, "how u feeling, love?"
"crappppp"
"okay let me give u some more morphine"
.
.
.
.
.
The rest of the afternoon was pretty much like falling in and out of sleep and feeling horrid.
Nausea from the Anaestheics, from the Operation.
I kept dry retching.
And feeling hungry since I was fasted from the operation since presenting at ED.
No wonder patients feel crap after ops, no wonder some pple will rather be in pain then to feel nauseous, no wonder patients are rude and not so patient after ops...

The nurses were amazing tho. They responded to any winge on needing help to go pee, or any complains about needing more anit-emetics for my nausea.
They came at night using torches hourly to check on you, instead of switching on the daam lights and waking you up. Like little florence nightingales! (P/s: no wonder all these male doctors marry female nurses wan! :( ). And even tho nurses are not the nicest to medical students, they are the nicest pple to patients. :)

Anyway, today's 28th March.
Finally discharged from hospital :)
With a missing appendix and 2 weeks MC.
When the DR told me 2 weeks, "huh, but i wanna go back to class asap, exams in 13.5 weeks!"
"At least 5 - 7 days total bed rest, Janine. You've got some surgical scars that need a lot of healing.."

*Sigh*
I'm no longer an eager medical student, but a patient. And I better be a good one ;)

Feeling a little restless tonight, and giving school a miss tmr.
I think I really need a break, been quite worn lately, with a relapse of insomnia :(
I thought I've recovered, but perhaps with was nothing but a remission...

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying"
- Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice -

Finally, found a song, or perhaps part of a song that sorta conveys how I've been feeling all this while.
Aching over something so so so long ago, yet fresh in the mind.
And it's been keeping me awake again.
I think my reserve of adrenaline is running low.
I'm tired, mentally and physically.
I need some (actually a lot) of rest.
I just calculated my sleep debt, think I owe my body about 20 odd hours in the past week.

I'm impatient, very impatient.
I can't wait for recovery, perhaps one day finally.
But definately not tmr, or next week.
When will all this finally go away?
That I can finally break free
That I can walk away with my head up high and with a smile.
And be 100% sure I'm finally okay.
I think I've paid the price with one day for every former one day.
But, It dosen't seem enough.

Pain, psychogenic pain.
Cure: maybe sleeping pills and selective amnesia inducing medications?
Too bad the former is by prescription only and the latter dosent exist at all.
Take sleeping pills because of this?
So not worth it, I must say.
Convince a GP to give me pills for this?
So not easy, I have to say.

13 weeks to finals.
If there's anything I should be crying about now, are my books and not boys.
Next rotation to the far far far Northern Hospital, almost an hour up and another back every day.
And a Head of Medicine who is a world known renal physican, of which i know absolutely nothing about the kidneys.
And will of course will give me the glares if I look sleepy under her wings.

I'm needy of another remission, since I've almost given up on cure.
And a remssion lasting for 15 weeks to cover till the exams are over.

I've grown to dislike Melbourne more and more...
It's a constant reminder of school and the past everyday...
I'm thinking about going home in July... for a really really short break.
I hope my mom lets me :(

Stumbled upon this really cool site
muahahaha.. :)

http://www.med-ed.virginia.edu/specialties/QuestionList.cfm

Anyway its 130 Questions as a Medical Speciality Aptitude Test.
Turns out that im a.... closet pathologist or radiologist.
Fwah I'm daam boring hor?

Rank	Specialty	Score
1	pathology	44
2	radiology	42
3	occupational med	41
4	infectious disease	40
5	endocrinology	39
6	allergy & immunology	39
7	neurology	39
8	rheumatology	37
9	plastic surgery	37
10	dermatology	37
11	nuclear med	37
12	hematology	37
13	nephrology	37
14	general internal med	36
15	psychiatry	36
16	urology	35
17	thoracic surgery	34
18	preventive med	34
19	neurosurgery	34
20	otolaryngology	34
21	gastroenterology	34
22	radiation oncology	34
23	anesthesiology	33
24	ophthalmology	33
25	pulmonology	33
26	physical med & rehabilitation	33
27	pediatrics	33
28	aerospace med	33
29	general surgery	31
30	med oncology	31
31	family practice	31
32	cardiology	31
33	emergency med	30
34	colon & rectal surgery	30
35	obstetrics/gynecology	30
36	orthopaedic surgery	29

But fairly accurate tho, I hate parasites (a.k.a. kids) and erm i don't think I'll enjoy looking at other women's u know... and... so those were like rock bottom on the list :) And i absolutely don't think I can sit in GP practice all day and listen to people talk and talk and talk...

Anyway, I always thought that if I had a chance to get pass the mind boggling,super competitive, drive u nuts while preparing type post grad FRACPs exams.. I'll do a small specality, nothing too dramatic, nothing that need like 24 hrs on call or the patient can die tmr one..
Maybe something like ID, Rheum or Endo..
So this test is fairly accurate leh! :)

But what amazes me is it seems like I'm more suited to be a pathologist or radiologist.
Erm to offence to anyone... that's so boring!
But boring = less calls = stable working hours = more time to go play = more money... hmmmm.....

And also... fwwah, I told my buds that if I ever choose to become a surgeon, they are allowed to shoot me in my skull not once, but twice... and the top surgical specality turned out to be plastics!
What the!!! I don't think I'll ever make it big as a plastic surgeon, unless I do plastics on MYSELF if not how to sell to others?

Trivia, back to work :(
And ya, I'm doing orthopaedics this rotation... No wonder I'm like falling asleep everyday.

As I blog about this, you guys are sure going to die laughing...

The bane about flying up and down every 6 months is of course as what i blogged about before, packing unpacking... then also infamously "sleeping around" on different beds (what else huh?)... And of course jet lag... but this time...

Topping my list of "Why I don't like flying every 6 months is"

I can't watch War and Beauty!!! 金枝慾孽!!!

Ok. Well. It's a TVB drama. Not just any TVB drama alright thats screening on telly now!
It's about how imperal concubines/enuchs/maids/ etc etc try to outwit and outplay each other just to gain the emperor's favour! Each think they have the situation in control, but little do they know that others know of what they are doing and outsmarting them!!!
Confused? erm.. like the survivor, TVB -style!!

But its not like any of those boring detective/medical TVB drama, or like those 1000 episode "Zhen Qing"... This show is truly quite intelligent with an unexpected plot, and horridly unpredictable characters. And i wikipedia it! And its quite a happening show, and its award-winning!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_and_Beauty

So anyway, when the show ended at its climax today. I decided there was no way I was 
going to leave Singapore in a week's time... not watching the show till its end! 

Out of Exasperation I :

1. MSN-ed friend 1: her suggestion, ask my brother to buy from.... hahahaa.. Okay will ask him tmr if he wanna help not.

2. Emailed my exhousemate who was always watching TVB in Aussie as tho her Harddisk has 
an endless amount of TVB drama. But she's in Malaysia, hope she reply's my mail.

3. SMS-ed friend 2: with her suggestion to rent it... hmmm okok can try.

4. BUY IT. But it's screening on telly at the moment and TVB drama's are infamously expensive.

5. I YOU-TUBED it!
AND YES!!! Some kind soul uploaded the entire series, DVD version (extra clarity) on You Tube!!!

So I started loading the first episode... and grabbed some ice cream...

The opening Cantonese song rolled.... 

*grasp chair and ice cream*

The opening scene.... The emperess opens her mouth... and starts talking... 

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ITS IN VIETNAMISE!!!!! (with no subtitles)

P/s: anyone got war and beauty can lend me before 23rd Jan? -URGENT-

My resolution: "May the best of this year be the worst of next year"

Possible? being too optimistic if you ask me.

2007. *shrugs*... Nawp, not really looking forward to 2007. A big long year ahead. Since 2005 ended not quite the way i thought it would be, it was an ease for 2006 to be better.

Brewerkz was a blessing, Cambodia was like a 5 year itch dream come true. And finally hitting the lightest I have ever been post-cambodia since i recall looking at the scales was like... hmmm.... sugar on top of an icing (which had better not be the last since endless weight gain since then due to constant mugging).

Finally completing research and moving on to real medicine was like an initiation rite, that turned out to be close to what i call a nightmare. Anyway, Med school, bad school, still gotta go to school.

2007 2007... School School School. Exams Exams Exams. Internship Internship Internship. 

I'm sad to see 2006 go by like that. 2006 was a blast. It was fantastic at least for a while. It was fun because it was everything but Medicine. It was a good break from something I will be stuck with for the rest of my life.

2007 will be a serious reality check. Tml, My mom can finally announce to the world (if nothing goes wrong) that next year end there will be a graduate in the family, and someone else will bring in the bread and butter. And she can finally hang her soles literally and retire.

2007. Both my siblings will be heading down under to study. We'll be talking about serious budget issues. Rising aussie dollars, aging parents, worsening economy, tripled living expenses in Aussie. And of course, who's gonna do the housework? Who's gonna wash the dishes? Who's gonna be the responsible one? *sigh* 

2007. Perhaps I will reach my post-cambodian weight...

2007. Perhaps I will speak of Medicine like a passionate ignorant Freshie once more, with all that zest and might.

2007. Perhaps I will find projects to do to keep me sane.

2007. Perhaps My squadmates will finally come down to Australia to visit me...

2007. Perhaps Jetstar australia will fly to Hawaii for AUD 2.00. 
And everything in Hawaii will be on sale, including accomodation and food. 

2007. Perhaps perhaps one day will have 30 hours so I can spend more waking hours reading all my readings that where never finished. 

2007. Perhaps perhaps perhaps I will be scooped up by some Ignorant Bliss and then live on an Island and sip french wine all day.

2007. Perhaps perhaps perhaps...

Disclaimer: this was written on one of those "lonesome" nights. My eye kena a bit of allergic conjunctivitis = cant wear contacts = cant go clubbing. Anyway, its time for a post, one of my friends suddenly "talked" to me on msn to asked if i was still alive, because my blog was stagnanting. Wow, people actually read this... so its time for a post i guess...

What to write about though, I dont climb mountains, dont travel like an air stewardess, dont quite have a sense of humour, not that gorgeous to create a photo-blog, life's just hospital, hospital... and I'm sure you get more excitement from Grey's easily with scandals bombs and flying scarples... Maybe I should just write about Me, myself and my insane morbid thoughts then. ;)

So much going through my mind these days, exams in less than 28 days, and so much more to go. So much to study. It has come to a point where I don't know where to start, coz no matter how i go about starting, it will never really end.

Med exams arent exactly the easiest either. Conspiracy theories state that in a 120 MCQ exam, Questions that 90% of the batch answered correctly and wrongly are eliminated from marking, which leaves perhaps 20 questions. And sadly, we will be ranked based on that 20 questions with a bell curve. With that said, how well you do, is based on your peers, your friends, and ultimately your competitiors.

Where do I fit in? No where, probably at the bottom of the curve then. I was never a straight A student and will not be. I cannot study for 8 hours in a row even the day before my papers, and I do not do 4.5 rounds of revision before the exams (Yes, I know someone that does that. Seriously, it's TYPICAL medical students we are talking about)

No, I am not bitter. I am not jealous... But I'm just worried. Because, I think I'm quite smart, but not very smart. I think I'm intelligent, but not that very either. I'm just someone that made it through to medical school the easy way, the fast way... But... Someone being quite smart, being quite intelligent isn't good enough. Everytime I look at the straight As student next to me, I feel stupid, I feel inadequate. I feel like I dont deserve this...

I have every reason to doubt my exisitence these days. I'm a crappy friend now because I spend more time with my books then anything else, I don't really make a good daughter because I'm harbouring evil thoughts of quitting medical school and dissapointing my parents. I try not to tell them too much because I dont want them to know that I dont quite want this anymore. I will make a crappy sister, because if i quit, I will be a bad example. I will not and do not make a good girlfriend either because I will try to love my books more than anything else and I'm very bratty too.

It's stressful, and this has made me somewhat very sad sometimes. I'm not sure where I fit, or if I deserve to be amongst the top scorers of the state, the children of top surgeons, the dux of the many local schools here.

I'm just me. I enjoy day dreaming, waitressing, watching TV, rollar blading...

I'm just quite smart, but not very... I'm just that silly little me... struggling to find her reason for existence...

Disease: Hepatic Encephalopathy

Cause: End-stage Liver Failure due to Hepatitis, Alcohol, Congenital Problems.

Cure: Liver Transplant.

Mechanism: Liver failure --> increased toxins in blood --> damage brain.

Signs and Symptoms: Hepatic Flap, Cirhosis of the liver, Ascities of the abdomen, Confusion.

Investigations : Blood tests (LFTs, FBES, Coags, U & Es) And MMSE (minmental state exam to determine confusion)

MMSE
Dr: What date is it today, John*?
John: 3rd October, doc.

Dr: Do u know where u are John?
John: A hosptial with a pretty good view, doc.

Dr: You reckon you still remember when was WWII, John?
John: errrr.... 1940 doc?

Doc: How about the Prime Minster John?
John: !#@!#$#@!$! John Howard.

Dr: Who's the Queen John?
John: *reaches over to hold his wife's hand*. Thats simple Doc, Her.

Awwwwwwwwwww

Either: he's really confused to be confused about who the real Queen is or he's... in L-O-V-E.

What you reckon? Patients shock you huh?

* Patient's name has been changed to protect their identity.

Another close friend of mine just recently ended a r/s of close to 2 years. Yup, it did seem so good, this one seemed much better than the previous one, everything seems so… you know, you know… perfect.

Breakups happen ever so often, every month, every season. Such that its easy to dismiss any day of the year as the season of breaking up.

Relationships are never easy, and people break up for a variety of reasons, legitimate or illegitimate.

Some have no qualms about having that many (beyond fingers) relationships while they can. While they have a less likely chance to be diagnosed with malignancy, still have turgid skin and perhaps a sperm count that enables easy fuss free propagation (Sorry, part of being a meddie is learning to speak a new language that almost resembles Tamil to me, so as impress Consultants that ultimately will become ur examiners and the pain in your life for many years to come, and as a rough gauge – till u become “undateable”, well at least for my gender)

With experience, more movies, moonlit beach-side walks, and ultimately more heartbreaks; perhaps we understand relationships better, understand the opposite (or the same gender for 1/10 men in Melbourne…) gender better. If their cervical spine snaps or their cerebral arteries clog up and end up hemiplegic tomorrow or on the way home from a long flight back from some exotic nation to nurse a broken heart and unfortunately have Deep Vein Thrombosis from a 24 hour flight that ended up as a Pulmonary Embolism (i.e You’re getting a death cert from your friendly ER Doc), at least they could say that they’ve lived life once, shared many special moments with very many special people then and had many relationships, that didn’t work out of course. And of course, there’s nothing wrong about that.

But… where does true love stand? Despite the many times they said the 3 magic words to all that many people before? Perhaps for these people and maybe myself included, have “de-mean-ed” love. And of course, I’m disappointed that love has to come this bad, this far.

I was taught, or rather given the impression that, true love conquers all. That even if the world collapses tomorrow, love should be standing tall and above all. That once you breath I love you, it should be for eternity. Perhaps we meant what we say for that moment, that second, but beyond that… it meant nothing.

As an observer at the hospital, an observer to the consultant, an observer to patients, what strikes me most out of all these pointless observations are debilitated patients moments from death, in love. Today I saw an old lady all Jaundiced and yellow, in CCU. The consultant was rumbling on her diagnosis, her prognosis etc etc, but all that distracted me was her lover holding her hand, stroking her fingers and gazing at her lovingly right into her eyes. (I did not rip this from Grey’s Anatomy, I really did see it today on 28th August around 9:45ish at Bendigo Hospital’s CCU).
I see love, but I’m not sure how to comprehend it. Neither do I know how to seek it. To put it plainly, if you don’t understand love, how can you experience it?

Oh well, on the bright side, 3 more nights and outta Bendi. I had the most horrible weekend, just last weekend here. Will post on that soon together with pictures from Bendi when I get around “claiming” all the photos. And yes, about time. Cambodia’s Photos. Akan Datang!

22 years 2 months and 9 days into life, I finally saw a shooting star yesterday.

Location: Bendigo at around 9-ish pm after dinner on the way back to the hostel.

With me were 2 good pals all gazing at the sky admiring the lovely stary Bendigo clear skies. It was a fast falling quick sparkly thing in the sky that went plummerting down onto the horizon! Another "virgin" experience in Bendi! My first shooting star!!! Even though I alerted the 2 blur sotongs about it, by the time they looked up, it was really too late.

As quick as I could, I made a wish once the star dissappeared into the dark sky. A shooting star that comes every 22 odd years of human life, even more precious than birthday wish wish. My pals asked me what I wished for.

After I told them, they scolded me for making such a SILLY wish that you get only once in 22 years. =(

I wished to complete MED. They both had better suggestions. One was to find the man of my dreams and the other, to have a good figure for eternity.

=( I wish I wish for another shooting star now. 2 and a half more weeks in Bendi, so It'll be star gazing everynight from 9-10! =)